In a secret corner of her heart lay the bittersweet memories of him.   She never knew when she would feel the tormenting pangs of longing and emptiness.  Usually, it was everyday.

She wondered why she couldn’t let go and move on.  Other people did.  Why couldn’t she accept the fact that he was no longer a part of her life? How long would she allow herself to suffer?   Against all her rationale and defenses, she refused to let the memory of him go.   She had loved other men after him.  However, it was never the same.  No one else had touched her soul.

They must be “soul mates” she thought trying to console herself.  She wondered if she was destined to yearn for him throughout all eternity. Had she been set up?  The concept depressed her more.   She had saved a corner in her heart for his memory.  Had he done the  same for her? Part of her torment was not knowing for sure.  Did he ever realize just how much she loved him?

Both had been in troubled marriages of short duration when they met and fell in love.  Barely in their twenties, they were victims of the dictates of their time when at the first sign of puberty, young men and women were pushed into early marriages.  (Hard to believe in today’s world).

Their meeting seemed hopelessly fated.  She recalled having been instantly attracted to his lean, youthful body, thick brown hair, dark penetrating eyes and wonderfully seductive mouth.  She had never met anyone capable of stirring such profound feelings within her.  An inner battle ensued to prevent exposure of her feelings.  But, her large, blue eyes betrayed her.

She was a petite young woman with blond hair and an endearing smile. (She smiled a lot in those days).  He was very attracted to her and a powerful chemistry surfaced between them.  Like two magnets unable to resist the pull, they gravitated toward each other.  Something very wonderful but very painful had begun. They had been captured by love’s fatal attraction.

After many shared moments, their relationship became intense and he asked her if she would marry him. This jolted her into the reality of their circumstances.  Both would have to end their existing marriages.  Being very young and naïve, fear and guilt seized and overwhelmed her. Dreading the repercussions, real and imagined, she forced herself to walk away from him; something she had always regretted.  She wondered if he ever realized just how difficult it was for her?  Probably not. He most likely thought she didn’t love him enough to stay.   Men were such fools.  Ah, but she was the bigger fool.  She still cared.

Each went their separate ways. Years passed.  She obtained fragments of information about him through unexpected sources. His wife had died.  She doubted if he knew that she had divorced her husband.  Was it possible to reconcile?  Would they have another chance?  “Some people connect again” . . . she thought.

Sometimes, it all seems rather fuzzy - the years seem to merge and lose their significance. People and feelings fade away from one’s memory until one day, when we least suspect, a song or event will trigger a long forgotten emotion - something we have chosen to bury in the dark recesses of our minds or hearts because it is too painful to remember. Then the heart seeks closure. Until this is achieved . . . it is difficult to move on.

She nervously called his place of business to reach out and offer her condolences. When he took her call she was elated to hear his voice once again. He seemed surprised to hear hers. They agreed to meet for dinner.

He took her breath away just as he always did when they finally met.  It was as though ten years had never gone by.  Unfortunately, it became painfully apparent to her that he was not interested in picking up where they had left off.  He was pleasantly social but seemed cautiously reserved. The magic wasn’t there for him anymore . . . at least not with her.

She tried to feel all the sadness and pain he had to deal with when his wife had died; pain he never could have anticipated beforehand. Life had bestowed upon him a heavy burden. He had children to raise and a business to run. No doubt other family members reached out to help, but children miss their mother, and he could not reverse their loss. He was their sole remaining link to security and parental nurturing. It would be understandable how the needs of his children would conflict with those of another woman wishing to become an important consideration in his life.

Once again, they went their separate ways.  She eventually remarried.   He never did although he was involved with several women in the ensuing years.  One could rationalize that he would not allow himself to love and commit to another woman because he feared that she too - might leave him someday.  "How painful it must be for him not to be able to trust again" . . . she thought.  If only he knew her pain it might help him to heal. 

It is interesting that some of us will remember another despite all the distractions of life and continue to love this person unconditionally. Whatever the reason a person clings to another, either physically or mentally, one must respect the possibility that the bond has been dictated by a force larger and more mysterious than one could imagine or perceive.

And so, she does not apologize for - or rationalize her feelings.

She was crying when her thoughts brought her back to the present.  Too many years had held her heart a prisoner. Too many hours of heartache had been endured.   It must end. She must let go. Perhaps in another lifetime she would do it differently. Today she must walk away without regrets.

“ Farewell - my love” . . . she whispered.